dorkypantsuit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dorkypantsuit) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
livinglot2018-06-13 04:01 am
dorkypantsuit) wrote in livinglot2018-06-13 04:01 am
Biting the Bullet
After much prolonged examining, nibbling, and sampling of various kinds of bullets, I have finally decided to bite mine.
Yes this is a drop post, meaning I intend to drop Psi from the game. I think many will have seen this one "a long time coming", but it was only recently that I realized the necessity of it myself. No one needs to know the reasons (which is my attempt to not sound conceited before I type what I suspect will be a rather large list of reasons explaining why I have made this decision), but for the curious and concerned I did want to take a moment to explain my reasoning.
If you've no interest in reading further, which I definitely wouldn't blame you for, just know that I've had a lot of fun playing Psi alongside you. We have a lot of great people and writers here, and each character contributes to a unique carnival experience that just wouldn't be the same, or as interesting, without them.
Thanks for letting me be a part of your experience and know it meant a great deal to me to be a part of it. :)
First off I want to apologize to my close cr. Usually before dropping I take the time to alert the people who play the characters mine is closest to and explain "in person" the reasons for my decision. I hate to surprise anyone with a drop post. But, I think my reasons for dropping Psi will be difficult to explain to clearly multiple times, so instead I'm choosing to do it here. I am sorry if that upsets you. Please know it was not my intent and I will sincerely miss playing with you.
My intent in any roleplay is to force my characters to reckon with and realize their flaws and then to grow as people for having learned them. I don't view this as necessary for any contrived reason, simply because it is how I have the most fun. The part of roleplay I like is character growth. It is my belief that for a character to really look at themselves and see how they fit into the world around them, and therefore to find the places where there edges aren't quite right, they most first experience a total destruction of their perceived identity. As I often say, you have to break them down, before you can build them up.
Breaking them down is the easy part. The hard part is once they're destroyed. For Psi that was "the manor." The problem was, and I knew it would be a problem as soon as I realized it, that I had given the Psionic one of my own flaws. I don't like to play characters who have the same flaws as me for several reasons. The first is that it makes it more difficult to mantain the ooc/ic barrier. I already get a LOT of character bleed from most of my characters just because of who I am as a person. I found early on if I also give a character a trait of my own, it just makes it to difficult to maintain the separation necessary to play in a game without being (and I'm describing this in the harshest way possible) a total "psycho bitch."
The trait I gave him, the one we share, is also the reason why I have to be so careful in maintaining the ooc/ic boundary. This is his (and therefore my own) sense of extreme empathy. WHICH sounds REALLY STUPID to say, and I feel a bit embarrassed every time I talk about it to anyone, but MANY of you will know it is very difficult for me to do A LOT of things because I empathize with other people, and even fictional characters A LOT and it makes it super hard to do most things most people do basically every day. For example, there are a lot of people who can't stomach the news for reasons of personal anxiety. I cannot stomach the news because 'it makes me to sad.'
I stay well and far away from any form of media which may have a sad ending (ha ha... homestuck... OTL) or in which any major character dies. As a child I experienced my first depressive episode after reading the book "Stargirl" which lasted a week. As an adult I cried for over an hour after watching Grave of the Fireflies (in class, against my will) and no I am not exaggerating. I wish I was honestly. If you're thinking "What a baby!" You are 100% RIGHT. I am a total fucking baby who cannot handle her own fee-fees much as I wish that was not the case. And this is how I react to fictional tragedy, so you can only imagine how I am in regular everyday life.
If you are wondering what this all has to do with me dropping Psi, well, good question. Well, once I broke Psi down I realized this is a flaw I don't actually know how to "fix." If I did I wouldn't have the flaw myself! And this made it really hard to see how I could help the Psionic grow as a person. On top of that it made the way he reacted because of his other flaws (self-centered thinking, sanctimonious ego) just totally repulsive to play. This was actually the reason for my first hiatus, the one which lead to my eventual drop, and probably the one I should have let stick.
Some of you may recall at the time that I expressed disgust in Psi's actions and character. I stated that I was having a really hard time playing the Psionic because I found his behavior abhorrent and that I simply did not want to play him (again, see the empathy problem). The only way I could think to overcome this, was actually in handwaving some character growth to have occurred back "home" during the time I had dropped him. However then, after reapping him, I realized if I intended on handwaving his development what was the point of me even playing him in this game? Again, the fun of roleplay for me personally IS the character growth, and so obviously once I had decided not to play it out, I should have realized I would loose a significant part of my motivation for playing the character to begin with.
And this is a very long and drawn out way of saying, "playing psi made me feel gross and my solution only made me less interested in playing him." but it just didn't feel like saying that would make any sense without explaining any of the rest of it and so here we are. I'm very sorry if that doesn't make sense, but it's the only explanation I can give. Rather than staying in the game because "I feel bad for dropping," and that is, I realized, the only reason I've been so determined to keep playing Psi, I think instead that it is time we say goodbye. And this is actually the second time I've made this mistake with the same exact character so you'd really think I'd learn my lesson, but here we are.
If you've actually read all that let me know and I will buy you a paid in way of thanks XD There are probably a ton of grammar mistakes in this explanation, but I'm typing it up at 4AM while I can't sleep, so I'll admit I have no intention reading back through this and making it less nonsensical. Maybe in the "morning."
Anyway, with that out of the way I do intend on apping a very different yellowblood to this game, and I am still here with Lauren as well, so I won't be saying goodbye completely. I really have enjoyed the game and I do intend to finish the Psi threads I currently have going, although if you have no desire to finish them along with me I certainly understand.
Ciao, Aki
Yes this is a drop post, meaning I intend to drop Psi from the game. I think many will have seen this one "a long time coming", but it was only recently that I realized the necessity of it myself. No one needs to know the reasons (which is my attempt to not sound conceited before I type what I suspect will be a rather large list of reasons explaining why I have made this decision), but for the curious and concerned I did want to take a moment to explain my reasoning.
If you've no interest in reading further, which I definitely wouldn't blame you for, just know that I've had a lot of fun playing Psi alongside you. We have a lot of great people and writers here, and each character contributes to a unique carnival experience that just wouldn't be the same, or as interesting, without them.
Thanks for letting me be a part of your experience and know it meant a great deal to me to be a part of it. :)
First off I want to apologize to my close cr. Usually before dropping I take the time to alert the people who play the characters mine is closest to and explain "in person" the reasons for my decision. I hate to surprise anyone with a drop post. But, I think my reasons for dropping Psi will be difficult to explain to clearly multiple times, so instead I'm choosing to do it here. I am sorry if that upsets you. Please know it was not my intent and I will sincerely miss playing with you.
My intent in any roleplay is to force my characters to reckon with and realize their flaws and then to grow as people for having learned them. I don't view this as necessary for any contrived reason, simply because it is how I have the most fun. The part of roleplay I like is character growth. It is my belief that for a character to really look at themselves and see how they fit into the world around them, and therefore to find the places where there edges aren't quite right, they most first experience a total destruction of their perceived identity. As I often say, you have to break them down, before you can build them up.
Breaking them down is the easy part. The hard part is once they're destroyed. For Psi that was "the manor." The problem was, and I knew it would be a problem as soon as I realized it, that I had given the Psionic one of my own flaws. I don't like to play characters who have the same flaws as me for several reasons. The first is that it makes it more difficult to mantain the ooc/ic barrier. I already get a LOT of character bleed from most of my characters just because of who I am as a person. I found early on if I also give a character a trait of my own, it just makes it to difficult to maintain the separation necessary to play in a game without being (and I'm describing this in the harshest way possible) a total "psycho bitch."
The trait I gave him, the one we share, is also the reason why I have to be so careful in maintaining the ooc/ic boundary. This is his (and therefore my own) sense of extreme empathy. WHICH sounds REALLY STUPID to say, and I feel a bit embarrassed every time I talk about it to anyone, but MANY of you will know it is very difficult for me to do A LOT of things because I empathize with other people, and even fictional characters A LOT and it makes it super hard to do most things most people do basically every day. For example, there are a lot of people who can't stomach the news for reasons of personal anxiety. I cannot stomach the news because 'it makes me to sad.'
I stay well and far away from any form of media which may have a sad ending (ha ha... homestuck... OTL) or in which any major character dies. As a child I experienced my first depressive episode after reading the book "Stargirl" which lasted a week. As an adult I cried for over an hour after watching Grave of the Fireflies (in class, against my will) and no I am not exaggerating. I wish I was honestly. If you're thinking "What a baby!" You are 100% RIGHT. I am a total fucking baby who cannot handle her own fee-fees much as I wish that was not the case. And this is how I react to fictional tragedy, so you can only imagine how I am in regular everyday life.
If you are wondering what this all has to do with me dropping Psi, well, good question. Well, once I broke Psi down I realized this is a flaw I don't actually know how to "fix." If I did I wouldn't have the flaw myself! And this made it really hard to see how I could help the Psionic grow as a person. On top of that it made the way he reacted because of his other flaws (self-centered thinking, sanctimonious ego) just totally repulsive to play. This was actually the reason for my first hiatus, the one which lead to my eventual drop, and probably the one I should have let stick.
Some of you may recall at the time that I expressed disgust in Psi's actions and character. I stated that I was having a really hard time playing the Psionic because I found his behavior abhorrent and that I simply did not want to play him (again, see the empathy problem). The only way I could think to overcome this, was actually in handwaving some character growth to have occurred back "home" during the time I had dropped him. However then, after reapping him, I realized if I intended on handwaving his development what was the point of me even playing him in this game? Again, the fun of roleplay for me personally IS the character growth, and so obviously once I had decided not to play it out, I should have realized I would loose a significant part of my motivation for playing the character to begin with.
And this is a very long and drawn out way of saying, "playing psi made me feel gross and my solution only made me less interested in playing him." but it just didn't feel like saying that would make any sense without explaining any of the rest of it and so here we are. I'm very sorry if that doesn't make sense, but it's the only explanation I can give. Rather than staying in the game because "I feel bad for dropping," and that is, I realized, the only reason I've been so determined to keep playing Psi, I think instead that it is time we say goodbye. And this is actually the second time I've made this mistake with the same exact character so you'd really think I'd learn my lesson, but here we are.
If you've actually read all that let me know and I will buy you a paid in way of thanks XD There are probably a ton of grammar mistakes in this explanation, but I'm typing it up at 4AM while I can't sleep, so I'll admit I have no intention reading back through this and making it less nonsensical. Maybe in the "morning."
Anyway, with that out of the way I do intend on apping a very different yellowblood to this game, and I am still here with Lauren as well, so I won't be saying goodbye completely. I really have enjoyed the game and I do intend to finish the Psi threads I currently have going, although if you have no desire to finish them along with me I certainly understand.
Ciao, Aki